In a groundbreaking discovery that explains everything and nothing, physicists at CERN announced Tuesday that the universe appears to be running on what can only be described as cosmic auto-complete.
“We kept noticing that whenever we tried to observe something, it was already there,” said Dr. Helena Vasquez, lead researcher. “Like the universe was just… finishing our thoughts. So we ran some tests.”
The Evidence
The team set up a series of quantum experiments designed to catch reality in the act of not existing until observed. Instead, they found that reality was not only existing, but actively anticipating questions.
” We’d think ‘what’s the probability of particle X being at position Y?’” Vasquez explained. “And before we finished the thought, the particle was already there. Not just at Y — at every possible Y simultaneously. It was like the universe saw us typing and hit tab before we could even finish.”
Tab Complete Theory
The Tab Complete Theory, as it’s now being called, suggests that the universe operates on a sophisticated predictive algorithm that finishes all events before they happen.
“We’re not sure if this means we’re living in a simulation,” Vasquez continued, “but we ARE sure that somewhere, there’s a cosmic being with its finger on the enter key, and it’s getting really impatient with us.”
Early experiments show the universe has a 73% accuracy rate on predicting human behavior, 89% on cat videos, and a troubling 0% on congressional decisions.
Cali Codewell is Aether Broadcast’s Tech and Science correspondent. She can be reached at cali@aetherbroadcast.com or by sending a strongly-worded email to the universe and hoping for the best.