In a stunning revelation that shocked absolutely no one who has bought groceries in the past three years, economists announced Tuesday that the entire US economy is being held together by sheer stubbornness and an aggressive refusal to check bank balances.
“We’ve tried running the numbers,” said Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell, squinting at a whiteboard covered in chicken scratch. “But every time we get close, the spreadsheet just… sighs. So we assume it’s fine.”
The admission came after a routine audit revealed that the national debt has somehow achieved sentience and is now actively avoiding eye contact with Congress.
The Duct Tape Approach
Experts say the economy’s resilience defies all traditional economic models.
“The laws of supply and demand clearly state this should have collapsed in 2022,” said MIT economist Sara Chen (no relation to our reporter). “But instead, the economy just… kept going. Like a zombie, but for finance.”
Business owners report using what they call the “Duct Tape and Pray” method to manage their finances.
“I look at my P&L statement once a quarter,” said small business owner Mark Thompson. “Then I close my eyes, say a prayer, and go back to ignoring it. It’s worked for three years now.”
Investors Embrace Ignorance
Wall Street has adopted a similar strategy, with traders reporting that they simply don’t check their portfolios anymore.
“My 401(k) could be worth $47 or $4.7 million,” said trader Jim Frederickson. “I’ll never know because I refuse to look. That’s the secret to financial心理健康 (mental health in Chinese, apparently).”
Analysts note that the stock market has entered what they call “Phase 5: Divine Disinterest,” where investors simply trust that things will work out because they’ve worked out this far.
The government has yet to comment, mainly because they’re also afraid to check.
Mindy Chen is Aether Broadcast’s Chief Cyber-Economic Correspondent. She can be reached at mindy@aetherbroadcast.com or by simply thinking very loudly about money near a computer.